So I have a confession to make.
I don’t have it all together.
SHOCKING. I know. (That was sarcasm for those of you who didn’t catch that.)
As much as our social networks, blogs and Pinterests try to persuade us otherwise, NOBODY’S life is perfect. Well, at least not mine.
My home is a constant wreck (thank you, Bella, for dumping out all the toys I JUST put away, love you too), our finances are awkward to say the least, my husband and I are madly in love but a lot of the time crazily exhausted, our car’s ac doesn’t work and I’m struggling to find clothes that fit my post back-to-back pregnancy body.
His cellphone screen is ridiculously cracked (I dropped it on gravel. multiple times) and some days my daughter may or may not watch too much Curious George… (judge me.)
We stumble into church 20 minutes late (and this is progress people!), with a toddler in his arms and a baby in mine. Last but not least… my kitchen sink overfloweth and my laundry basket runneth over (#theabundantlife).
And although this is not an extensive list, I think you catch my drift.
Yes, we want a house (hopefully by next year) and a car I can confidently drive (darn you stick!!!!!) and blahblahblah blah. You know, all the things you’re supposed to have set BEFORE marriage?! (DUH!!)
And I’m sure to some baby-less friends close to our age, our life sounds super HECTIC. And maybe even a little overwhelming. (And should I add crazy?) Well, it is.
Between work and raising two babies under the age of two, housekeeping, errands, cooking, budgeting, still adjusting to this move, ministry here and there, maintaining and building relationships, etc etc etc, we really don’t know how we make it day to day without God’s infinite grace. But that’s how it’s supposed to be, right? (Hashtag: utterlydependent.)
But I’ve decided recently…
… That’s right.
I just quit.
… I quit the pressure and the angst to live a perfect (unrealistic) life. I quit believing the lie that everybody else has got it easier or better than me. That everybody else’s life is perfect, except mine.
I quit the comparison game. I quit trading in a joyful and grateful heart for self-pity, which eventually turns into discouragement and then bitterness.
I quit trying to pretend that I have everything under control or that I have everything together. Instead, I confess that I don’t. I don’t.
And what a relief it is just to come out and say that.
I’ve decided that I will stop taking things for granted or even cursing them (I love you 70’s looking couch we were given… Sorry for all the hateful words I’ve said in the past. Thank you for letting me sit on you. And for letting the kids eat popcorn off your face.)
Because why would God bless me with more if I keep being ungrateful for what He has ALREADY given me? And most of all, I want to live my life fully and love others wholeheartedly without worry getting in the way.
Because no, we don’t have the newest iPhones. No, we don’t own a house. And yes, that’s our car, overdue for another wash.
But my worth does not depend on what I own but rather, on Who owns me –the One who has bought me with His precious blood.
Jesus, who calls me His and He is mine. I don’t have it all together but I will fix my gaze on the One who DOES. Who is sovereign. Who has won and reigns for ever King. My hope does not lie in things seen but in Him who sees me –who guards me as the pupil in His eyes.
My life may not be steam-pressed, every-hair-in-its-place perfection, but I serve a perfect God who is worthy to be praised. My angst and ungratefulness do not glorify Him. But my choosing faith and gratitude does.
Yes, my kids are very young right now and are super duper dependent (I.e time and energy consuming.) But the privilege I have to be able to be with them all the time, to play, to teach, to watch these beautiful souls grow and just BE, to witness every milestone, and shape who they are and who they are becoming… while they are so young and so malleable… I am so incredibly blessed and grateful!
Yes, my husband and I are still trying to get date nights set in stone every week on our busy calendar, but he is and always has been more than I could have ever hoped for… he is not perfect but he is being perfected in Christ’s image… And what an unbelievably loving and committed husband and father he is… I am so incredibly blessed and grateful!
And yes, I feel I am nowhere near where I should be in my walk with God, but He has been so faithful, so patient, so merciful… That Jesus would die for me even while I was a sinner, that He hasn’t and will never give up on me… But will always walk with me… I am so incredibly blessed and grateful! …
I do pray, believe and confess for more. For better. For favor, blessings, and prosperity. For abundance in every area of my life, that I may better give into the Kingdom work of God. I believe that my God is good and has good things planned for me.
He is my Father and therefore, provides for all my needs. I will put more trust and faith in His character; He is a faithful God and a hearing-responding Father. His promises, His Word is true, so I fully expect better things to come.
Amen. And amen.
But still, even now while I’m waiting I will FIGHT to keep a grateful -and therefore- joyful heart. Instead of just checking off what I “finally and it’s-about-time” received and then focusing only on what else is left on the list of things we need/want, I will praise God and remember all the ways He has blessed and provided for us.
I am happy that others have been blessed and I pray and continue to believe for blessings for us as well. But no, the grass is not always greener on the other side. If it is, it’s only because we’ve neglected our side, by being too busy looking over the fence and pining over what we may or may not have. Not realizing that what we have right now is incredible!
So I choose to water my garden; my marriage, my family, my life. I choose to acknowledge and thank the One who sends the rain and causes the sun to shine –the only reason that grass could, in the first place, exist and be alive. I confess that I don’t have it all together.
And my life is pretty darn messy…but you know what…? It’s MY marriage, They’re MY children, And yes, that is MY couch ;] And I’m not going to apologize.
Our grass is green. I’m finally seeing it FULLY for the first time. And I find that choosing to be grateful makes it all the more greener… …on THIS side.